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Dysfunction Junction
/ News Archives / HomeI am faster than 80% of all snakes
When I saw this story on the front page of today’s Journal, one name came to mind: Dwight Schrute For more from Dysfunction Junction, click HERE Continue Reading I am faster than 80% of all snakes
Why Don’t Cows Have Any Money?
Because farmers milk them dry. “From Kearneysville: Do you hear that ear-splitting moooo? It’s only the Route 9 construction project being milked for all it’s worth!” For more from Dysfunction Junction, click HERE Continue Reading Why Don’t Cows Have Any Money?
Padded Poles = Problem Solved
Apparently one of Mainstreet’s new campaigns should be teaching people how to walk. “It’s going to take more than “INVIO to get the downtown going. Need to get rid of the telephone wires and poles like our neighbor Charlestown did and build some nice condos.” You know, I just hate it when … Continue Reading Padded Poles = Problem Solved
One Small Crack for Egg, One Giant Break for Breakfast
“From South Berkeley: The 40th anniversary of the invention of the Egg McMuffin is less than a year away and, hello, I wonder when we’re going to hear about the plans the city of Martinsburg has to celebrate. Everybody made such a huge deal about the Wright Brothers a few years … Continue Reading One Small Crack for Egg, One Giant Break for Breakfast
A Royal Flush
“From Inwood: To the caller from Inwood with the commode lid decision to make: This is a very, very septic problem that should be put in the hands of pros. Surely the United States Senate members are the only ones qualified to flush out this mess.” Amazing. Truly Amazing. Hats off (or … Continue Reading A Royal Flush
Bed and Badger
“From Glengary: What’s up with the Panhandle’s bed and breakfasts and hotels and their irrational animal racism? My mother’s Christmas visit isn’t going to be very merry if I can’t find a place willing to take a chance on a miniature badger. It makes me want to vomit!” Let me get … Continue Reading Bed and Badger
The Commode Conundrum Continues
I’m giving “Hedgesville” the benefit of the doubt here and assuming this JJ is dripping with sarcasm. From Hedgesville: For the Inwood caller who (understandably) finds indoor plumbing confusing, the “proper” position for the commode seat when not in use is seat up/lid down. Regardless, I can’t wait for when—not if, … Continue Reading The Commode Conundrum Continues
Potty Talk
There aren’t even words for this one… “From Inwood: Our family recently had a discussion on the position of the commode seat in our bathroom when it was not in use. Is it proper for both the seat and lid to be up or down, or should the lid be up … Continue Reading Potty Talk
Show and Tell with Sergeant Squirrel
“From Berkeley County: Could someone in the Eastern Panhandle please enlighten me as to how a nutcase can buy or own a gun?” I bet this guy could help you out: For more from Dysfunction Junction, click HERE Continue Reading Show and Tell with Sergeant Squirrel
Lessons in Loungewear
“From Martinsburg: I see where those who have totally given up on their wardrobes and used to wear sweat pants now are running through the stores in lounge pants or as some people call them, sleep pants. Which is just what they are for, lounging at your house or sleeping, not … Continue Reading Lessons in Loungewear
Driver’s Ed: WV Style
“From Hedgesville: After living here for a few years, I finally found out the “rules” of driving. Never let anyone out - either the person behind you gets mad or the person you let out never thanks you. Drive as close as you can to the person in front of you, … Continue Reading Driver’s Ed: WV Style
Bah Humbug
“From Shepherdstown: I feel the Christmas in Shepherdstown celebration should have been canceled. This event is a waste of time, a waste of the town’s money and a waste of the resources. This should be discontinued permanently.” Apparently Scrooge moved to Shepherdstown. For more from Dysfunction Junction, click HERE Continue Reading Bah Humbug
Feuding Flags
After 3 JJ posts, I finally drove past Essroc to see for myself what the deal was with these flags. For the record, I’m 99.9% sure they’re actually the same height… Journal Junction, November 27, 2009 “From Harpers Ferry: Take a drive into Martinsburg by the K-Mart. Then have a long look at the … Continue Reading Feuding Flags
Sleeping Kitty, Hidden Doggy
“From Gerrardstown: To the caller concerned about the disappearing cats in Martinsburg: Here’s your tip: It is the “cat napper” (sic).” Touché Gerrardstown. Cat Burglar would have been the obvious choice, but you have exceeded DJ expectations with your retort. The cat napping comment is creative and you used a “sic” … Continue Reading Sleeping Kitty, Hidden Doggy
Sarah Palin Cheesecake?
“From Berkeley Springs: The Sarah Palin cheesecake makes more sense than global warming and carbon dioxide pollution.” Do you by chance have the recipe for that? From your description I’m hoping it’s no-bake and organic! Why just today I found a recipe for Hillary Clinton Russian Tea Cakes; I wonder if Sarah Palin can … Continue Reading Sarah Palin Cheesecake?
Car Wars: Shannondale Snaps Back
On November 12 “Martinsburg” laid down the gauntlet: “From Martinsburg: I have owned 10 cars in my life, and every one of them was made by an American company in America by Americans. How many other Americans can say that?” Today, “Shannondale” threw it right back at ‘em: “From Shannondale: To … Continue Reading Car Wars: Shannondale Snaps Back
Vote Early and Vote Often
“Vote early and often, unless you’re a [fill in opposing party] then you vote on Wednesday.” -Anon “From Harpers Ferry: In regard to Jim Surkamp trying to vote twice on that referendum because he wanted to see how the system works: I think maybe we need to show him how … Continue Reading Vote Early and Vote Often
Big Brother Needs a MLA Guide
“From Berkeley Springs: Anyone who believes that you have total control over their computer is not facing reality.” If Big Brother is indeed controlling your computer, I’d think the least he could do is fix your grammar. For more from Dysfunction Junction, click HERE Continue Reading Big Brother Needs a MLA Guide
Trains, Planes, or Tyra Banks?
“From Martinsburg: Does anyone know where I can get models repaired?” Dear Martinsburg, could you be any more vague? For all we know you could be in the market for anything from Botox to a new caboose. For more from Dysfunction Junction, click HERE Continue Reading Trains, Planes, or Tyra Banks?
BYO Phone Book
“From Ranson: To the Berkeley County caller: If the Jefferson County commission has to pay Leslie Smith anything close to a half of million dollar settlement, you may have to revert to corncob or Bring Your Own Toilet Paper.” We’re civilized here in the Eastern Panhandle; we prefer Yellow Pages to corncobs. … Continue Reading BYO Phone Book
You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea
“From South Berkeley County: To the person or people complaining about school lunches being chicken or fish: You should be thankful that you know it is chicken or fish. When I was in school, we had something that would be brown that we were told was mystery meat.” My question is: … Continue Reading You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea
Wanted: Gnome-nappers
“From Martinsburg: To the deserving people who took 18 of my collection of gnomes: I’m so sorry to take the fun out of your stealing games, but I took the remainder of them inside. I would rather have given them to you if you’d have asked. Once a thief, always a … Continue Reading Wanted: Gnome-nappers
Welcome to the Cesspool
"From Jefferson County: This nation is slowly sliding into a cesspool of extinction." ...and Journal Junction is the diving board. For more from Dysfunction Junction, click HERE Continue Reading Welcome to the Cesspool
